Major Newspaper Declares That Americans Should Fap To Stop COVID-19

Some have spoken about how the current state of America is that she lives in a “clown world” where reality does not matter. In accordance with the ridiculous nature of how things have become, the Chicago Tribune, a major newspaper, has declared that the best way that Americans can handle their basest impulses during the COVID-19 crisis is to give themselves a hand.

At the end of March, the New York Health Department issued a guide to its residents about physical intimacy during the stay-at-home order, answering the ever-popular question, “Can you still have sex during the coronavirus pandemic?” (We answered it for you a little while ago — don’t worry, it’s good news).

The guide gave residents “some tips for how to enjoy sex and to avoid spreading COVID-19,” essentially telling residents to either have sex with themselves or someone they live with.

“You are your safest sex partner,” the guide said. “Masturbation will not spread COVID-19, especially if you wash your hands (and any sex toys) with soap and water for at least 20 seconds before and after sex.” (source)

The question one wonders is, why does this have to be news?

Do governments now need to explain to people what activities- including intimate ones -are “permissible” versus those which are not? This does not even begin to address the moral issues with this.

Something that one will notice if one ever works in a homeless shelter is that the television is always on. The reason for this is because the television acts as a pacifying agent upon the “residents”. One can see this if one turns the television off and see how tension almost immediately resumes, and when it is on, it dissipates.

One may note that major porn websites, as a part of the COVID-19 shutdown, have been promoting “free access” to “premium” content. This likely is meant to have a similar effect- to pacify the public into stimulating themselves when they could be stimulating their minds.

While it cannot be definitively proven, one cannot help but wonder if there is more taking place here than what appears.

That said, if there is something that one can do while the lockdown continues, it is to engage in self-improvement, especially by starting and working on a garden. There is no time like the present, and given how food shortages will likely continue for the future, gardening is a much better way to help oneself, to feel better about oneself, and to make a real accomplishment that will bear yields for the future to help oneself and one’s neighbor.

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